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Saturday, 30 January 2010
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What?
3 factors that contribute to my current mood:
a. I really, really miss Thailand and my kids.
b. I'm feeling almost ready to transition and embrace change.
c. I need some sleep.
Today has kind of been a hard day. Hard being extremely relevant and probably not appropriate. The people in Haiti are having hard days. I have dear friends having bad days. I had an off day.
No matter how much time passes (23 months), I still very much miss the children I spent 6 months of my life with. Their faces still fill my mind frequently, and every once in a while I love to just think back to their sweet hugs and big, beautiful eyes. Yes, they caused extreme craziness in my life. But those six months of my life changed me forever. I miss the way God would use them to point out my areas of weakness. I miss the way they said Phi Marissa. I just miss them. This week, a friend asked me several questions about Thailand, and it was a gift. She had no clue how much I truly loved talking about it. The downfall of experiencing that by yourself...no one really wants to talk about it with you. I really love when someone curious finds out that I went to Thailand. I welcome their questions.
After investing A LOT of my time, energy, and passion into a ministry for going on my fifth year, I feel that God is preparing me to transition out. The reality of this is sometimes overwhelming. I can only imagine the feelings I'll be experiencing at the end of the summer. And in a weird twist of events, I have the job position that for so long I thought I wanted. Funny (not right now) how that works! But for the next 4 months I'll be devoting hours and hours each week to prepare for these summer camps, and then I'll work close to 9 weeks of camp. And then...I'll potentially be finished. For good.
Change is coming. I know it is, and I, Marissa, am welcoming it. As I look to venture out from here again, my heart desires to be faithful in the now. It's easy to dream about what is to come and long for something new, but I would hate to miss what God has for me today. I find myself continually surrendering to the Lord and laying my longings before Him. I say it over and over, "God, I WILL lay my longings before you." The past 6 months have been so...different than other seasons of my life. They haven't fit a mold, and I would suspect the next 4 will be similar. I want my heart to be in alignment with my Father's heart and fully His. I want to be faithful with the time and job he's placed before me. I want my life to reflect the beauty of my Creator- even in the small, mundane tasks of my day.
I don't know what is coming my way or just how crazy I am. I do know I have the best family in the world for putting up with my ridiculousness for the past several months. They have loved me with kindness and pointed me towards Jesus. What more could one ask for?
I already feel kind of lost knowing the absence of FCC is coming. But I so believe my God is working in me. And this summer? It. WILL. be. awesome!
An ambush is coming.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
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Awakening
I'm trying this whole blogging thing out again. This could be short lived.
Passion 2010. I've been back for a week now. I've been processing it. Thinking about it. Trying to figure out what happened in those days. It hasn't been easy. I've been dealing with messes that occurred before Passion. They've been distracting. I'm hoping in the next hour my thoughts will be more clear.
Exhausted. Drained. Hurt.
Those would be the three words I would use to describe how I went into Passion. Not the ideal character sketch for the weekend. I came from a full week of work in Orlando, literally driving through the night Saturday night to be in Atlanta Sunday-Tuesday. And so worth it.
Because throughout those 3 days, I found myself awakening.
To be in the arena with thousands of other college students (both siblings included, I might add) for the sole purpose of seeing His name made known all around the world- it was pretty powerful all over again. I remember going to a Passion regional event after getting back from Thailand and being overwhelmed with joy at the opportunity to worship with other college students corporately. It was refreshing then, and it was refreshing now. Being in that environment sparked a small something in me. But I didn't know what it was at first.
As I look back on the speakers, the breakout sessions, the late nights, etc I can't tell you who my favorite speaker was or what session impacted me the most or even the most heart penetrating truth I heard at the conference. I've tried. People love to ask that question- "Who was your favorite and what did you learn?" Looking back on my other 3 Passion experiences I can still answer that question. But not this year.
At the beginning of the conference, Louie set before the masses several different causes in the "Go Center" which is part of their Do Something Now campaign. These causes included paying for students in the Middle East to go to seminary, translating the Bible into 2 new languages, sponsoring children all over the world, building wells in Guatemala, building a recovery outpost in Nepal for traffick victims, and the list went on and on. To reach the goals set before us, it would require the 22,000 college students to give $500,000. Not pledge. Give. On the spot. I so desired to see each of the goals met, but $500,000 is a lot of money from college students. I thought it was kind of lofty.
Apparently I sold my fellow friends short. Because $724,480 was given by the college students. And a family at Passion matched our total as of Tuesday morning and gave $668.597. WHAT?! I know. You should really check out http://268generation.com/blog/ because it's incredible. When Louie announced the numbers on Tuesday morning, I stood in Philips Arena, mouth open, eyes wide, and felt that spark in my heart again. It was happening again. Whatever it was.
Something was awakening in me. And it was hope.
Hope for the oppressed people around me. Hope for the forgotten people of this world because they aren't really forgotten. Hope and confidence that my God is bigger than every injustice going on in this world right now. Hope that God really is Healer and is still in the business of healing. Hope for my generation because they. do. care. Hope. It is a beautiful thing.
I wanted to weep on that final morning. Because I forgot what it was like to hope like that. Throughout the entire conference I could feel my soul being refreshed in the times of corporate worship. I would look around me and see thousands of people with arms outstretched to our Creator. I could feel a new breath. Inhale. Exhale. This awakening that was taking place wasn't just taking place in me. The hearts and souls of this generation are being stirred. The world may have counted us out. Heck! I kinda did, but stop. Inhale. Exhale. A new wind is coming. A fresh awakening is falling on this generation. We feel our hearts being stirred for His Namesake.
Hope has been awakened in me. And it feels good.
One of my favorite moments from this time at Passion was Monday night during worship around midnight. The musicians had stopped playing for the moment but the anthem of our hearts and mouths were still being declared. And loudly I might add.
"And I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all. And I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered. All I am is Yours."
Over and over and over again.
Here we are, crying out completely surrendered- All we are is Yours.
Ya, hope has been awakened.
Friday, 25 December 2009
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For You, Carolyn
My friend Carolyn is in Vietnam and has been for a while and will be for a while. She recently got on to me about my blogging silence. When I go so many months without posting anything, I begin thinking, "What's the point?" When I first started this while in Thailand, I thought it was super weird to write with the intention of other people reading, but then I got used to it. Well, suffice it to say, I'm back to thinking it's weird that anyone would want to read what I have to say. BUT!!! I know what it's like to be in another country, fully aware that everyone's lives are moving forward and wanting a glimpse into their "normal." When I was in Thailand, other people's blogs were fascinating to me.
I do miss the processing that comes with writing. Moving forward.
At times I find my dueling desires and emotions to leave me feeling stuck. The past few weeks I have often found myself feeling more. And I won't be able to adequately explain that. When I see people in need, I feel for them more. When my friends talk to me about their brokenness and hardships, my heart hurts for them. When I'm constantly faced with the reality of living in a broken and fallen world, I am overwhelmed with these people's desperate need for Jesus. I want to run to the weary, poor, and forgotten people to love them and attempt to meet their needs. I laugh at the thought. I recently was in a homeless shelter for women and children. We were preparing Christmas bags for them. These women who came in were real. Their needs were real. Their pain was real. I sat in this room, as women came in and out with their bags, knowing full well that after we were finished, I would drive 45 minutes to my cozy house completely separated from their reality. Their misfortune takes place in my backyard.
I was shopping for Christmas presents for kids in need on Sunday. Here I was in Target, trying to pick out clothes for 5 year old boys and girls, and I walked the aisles, tears coming down my cheeks for the kids I would never know. I drive past a nursing home and wonder if those people are alone and sad. The faces of those in extreme poverty fill my mind as I sit in my house. The needs of people around me are overwhelming. I want all of them to find rescue in Jesus. To experience the fullness of His love and grace. I so badly want these hurting people- those in my backyard who have no place to call home, my friends and family whose stories are marked with brokenness and shame, the forgotten people of this world- to be overwhelmed with the greatness of who Jesus is. These people, the ones I'll never meet and the ones in my life now, have a dominant place in my heart and thoughts.
At the same time, I'm craving adventure. I have a this desire so strong inside of me- this desire to experience life to the fullest. I want to experience new things and see the wonders of God's creation. Even as I try to write this, my insides are churning. I want out. There is more, and I want to experience it. I want to go tree climbing. Kayaking through the Amazon. I want to go rock climbing and caving. I want my feet to get crazy dirty because I've been outside ALL DAY long exploring the outdoors. I can't explain it.
I don't know how to reconcile these within me. I have such a strong desire to be with the forgotten people of this world. And at the same time, I want to experience new things- new mountain tops, new people groups, new risks, new adventure. So I find myself stuck and not knowing what to do with these desires that seem to take me in opposite directions.
I want a radical life. Even if it's the environment I'm in right now. I want to be painfully aware of the injustices around me. When watching the Hillsong documentary on social justice someone said that apathy and injustice go hand in hand. It's because of apathy that injustice flourishes. So no matter where I go, may the pain of the people around me never become background noise. May the injustices of this world never be accepted in my heart. I hope I keep feeling for the lost and broken people of my world. And somehow- i'd like to throw some adventure in there! :)
These are my thoughts. Carolyn, I hope you have a wonderful day. Here's a glimpse into my normal right now. My thoughts aren't deep. They aren't clear. But you asked, and I obliged. Your turn.
Sunday, 10 May 2009
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Cape Town
I started this post on March 25. I had to stop because something else demanded my attention, but after that day, I have been unable to post on xanga. I just got back from school, and I guess the internet connection is stronger here because I'm not having problems. So...this was written a very long time ago.
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I've been back from Cape Town for a long time. It feels even longer than it's actually been. It sure is a beautiful city, and I am so, so grateful that I got to go be with Anthony, Erin, and Ryann. We saw AMAZING things, but in all honesty, I could have sat in their house all day, every day as long as I was with them. Leaving them was so hard, but I choose to dwell on great time I had with them.
This is my sweet Ryann Grace. I guess she isn't really mine though. I did offer to bring her back with me since she doesn't need a ticket. Oddly, Anthony and Erin chose to keep her with them. Whatever. I don't want to hear any complaints from them in July. I OFFERED!!
We read books ALL. THE. TIME. It was one of my favorite things to do with Ryann. She is just so cute when she walks up, trying to carry a book and hold her arms up asking to be picked up. We read so many books. Correction- we read the same 5 books over and over and over and over again. I have them memorized. Oh how I wish I could read her those books again!
Erin is one of my favorite people. I love her, and I love being with her. Not going to lie- our relationship has had a rocky point or two, but Erin has been amazing and continues to pursue our friendship in a way that truly blesses me. When I was in Thailand, I could always count her to be excited for me in the midst of my victories, as well as allow me to be sad on days that I couldn't fake a positive report. And over Christmas, I had a breakdown with her in my car. She lovingly stroked my hair and prayed over me. She's amazing. I miss her.
We had just gotten back from this really cool dinner. Face paintings included. We also had gone to the beach this day. I know we look so different, but we really are sisters. She has my last name...
And Anthony. He has played a role in my life that no one will ever be able to touch. He is actually the funniest person I know. Hands down. So being around him is always a treat. I wish that I lived near him, but I doubt that will ever happen again. But I always hope and sometimes ask God to allow it. Last semester I had to induct someone into a made up of Hall of Fame for my Public Speaking class, and I chose to induct Anthony into the Outstanding Brother's Hall of Fame. I think he is currently the only member. Pretty legit!
Anthony and I match in this picture.
I'm so thankful I got to see a glimpse of what life has been like for Anthony, Erin, and Ryann in South Africa! I miss them terribly, and I wish that I could kiss Ryann anytime I wanted to. I wish Erin and I could play Guitar Hero (she always kicked my butt). I wish Anthony could keep teaching me to drive stick on the other side of the road. But for now, I'm back in school. Yipee.
Spring Break South Africa style was a sucess.
Sunday, 15 March 2009
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Travels
I traveled to South Africa to visit Anthony, Erin, and Ryann. I can't begin to describe my wonderful time, and I'm not going to try. That will come at a later day. I just need to reflect on the actual traveling parts of the trip.
On the way TO Cape Town, the turbulence was so bad crossing the Atlantic, I seriously thought I was going to die. All I could picture was the movie Titanic when they are all freezing as they waited for help. I played the same 4 songs over and over on my ipod, praying for Jesus to save us all. We survived.
The man sitting next to me on the first leg of the journey (Atlanta to Dakar, Senegal), asked me SO many questions about my experience in Thailand. I didn't know that a stranger could be so interested. I was having mixed feelings already because it had been a year exactly since I left my kiddos. The questions didn't help. But, hopefully, God was honored in the midst of the conversation- painful as it was.
I am fascinated by the roundness of the Earth. I love flying when I feel like I notice that the Earth is round. May not make sense to anyone but myself.
I also am fascinated by clouds. I would love to be able to play on/in them someday. That would be SO cool.
Creation screams the praises of its Creator. Oh my goodness! At one point while flying today, I was seeing part of a sunrise, with an extremely bright moon, and clouds that were literally like a blanket. Majestic. I was looking out my window, jamming to some Hillsong, and I was literally in awe of God's creation. I thought to myself, "Creation has no choice but to glorify God." Then I realized, in a different way why, God so values our relationships with Him. Choosing Him- what pleasure that must bring His heart. How much greater when fallen human beings glorify His name!
I was flying standby on ALL of my flights. I was told in Cape Town that my Dakar to Atlanta flight was full. This meant there was a possibility I would be stuck in Senegal for 2 days. To say my dad was anxious would probably be comparable to saying the sun is hot. Understatements. But not only did I get on the flight, someone who I met on the way to Cape Town was very active about making sure I was safe. God is so faithful to provide what we need.
I met some really interesting people in the airports and airplanes. I talked to a girl my age in the Dakar waiting room. We both were in Cape Town visiting people we love who are currently doing missions. This sparked lots of interesting conversation. At one point I said, "Sometimes it's just so hard for me to sit in a classroom when I know there is so much I could be doing!" Her dad looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, are you quoting my daughter?" It was really cool to be able to talk to her and encourage her to push through in the midst of her lack of desire to be in school. I don't know where the pep-talk came from. Must be all those people encouraging me right now!
Most frequently heard statement in the midst of my travels: You're 21?! You look so young.
I do enjoy seeing new places. I do not enjoy getting to those new places. I have come so far in my feelings towards flying. But that one flight may have knocked me back a step or two. I wouldn't say I love traveling.
I love arriving.
WalkingInMyWeakness
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- Name: Marissa
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 8/23/2007
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